The Life and Times of an ArchDruid
by Jzashu
Summary: AU, how Malfurion Stormrage turned into the man he is today. The mistakes I made in the story are on purposeT for swears, sex, and Cthulhu. R


The Life and Times of an Arch-Druid Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Warcraft.

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Age –9 months, year –10239 (In Warcraft terms)

"Malidion! Whatever caused you to have another child?! Isn't Illidan enough!" Azshara was pulling her hair out looking at her seventh-in-command Malidion Stormrage. The priestess shrugged.

"Illifurous got me drunk, I had a choice in the matter? Besides, it felt good." She said. The high-queen on Kalimdor shook her head.

"I don't even want to know what is going to happen next…" Azshara walked away sighing. Illidan looked at his mother curiously.

"Well, Illy, you have a baby brother on the way!" His mother chirped.

Age –4 months

"You're pregnant again?!"

"You're the one who screwed me in the first place!!!"

Age 1 month

Malfurion gurgled in his little crib. Illidan walked over to him, and took one long look at him.

"That's your little brother, Illy. His name's Malfurion." Malidion cooed. Illidan took one long look at the baby, then poked Malfurion with unreadable malice. Malidion decided they'll get perfectly along and walked away singing. Illidan smirked and continued his poking assault, making Malfurion belch starfire.

"Oh, Elune be praised!" They heard their mother sing. "We have a druid on our hands!!!"

Age 3 years

"This is Tyrande, Malfy." Malidion said. Malfurion took one long look at the blushing girl.

"Can she burp starfire as well?"

"No, but she did find her father's bow. She's a natural at it, thirty people killed in two minutes!"

"Isn't that a bad thing?"

"Not with talent, darling."

Age 5 years

"Hey Tyrande, wanna have a quick duel?"

"Sure! I'll bet you win!"

Five seconds later…

"Sorry, Malfurion! I didn't mean to shoot you in the head!"

"Least I can heal myself…"

"Very true."

Age 14 years

"Hey Malfurion, Tyrande's taking a bath, wanna go see?" Illidan giggles in his little brother's ear. The druid turned sheer red.

"That's scandalous!!!"

"So?"

"Besides, she said that I can take a bath with her whenever I want. I don't think you want to see your little brother naked." Illidan turned a gleaming red and took off from the city screaming. Malfurion shrugged and took a bath with Tyrande.

Age 15

"Malfurion, where you taking baths with Tyrande for the past eight years?!"

"What's so bad about that?" His quizzical look made it obvious that no one has ever taught either him or Tyrande the birds and the bees. Malidion sighed and sat down with him.

Age 16

"Malfurion, you haven't taken a bath with me in a year, what's wrong?" Tyrande said. Malfurion blushed a bit and sat down with her.

A few hours later…

"What difference did that make?! We've been friends for years now, why should we worry about doing that now?!" Tyrande laughed. Malfurion agreed.

A few months later…

"Mom, Malfurion is STILL taking baths with Tyrande! Make him stop!" Illidan whined. Malidion looked at her son confused.

"That just means that you have to get a crush on someone else, Illidan." Illidan tore out of the temple swearing in seveteen languages and a dialect, a few arrows flying after him from Tyrande.

Age 28

"So, we've been friends for years now. Think we should try that?" Tyrande asked her roommate. Malfurion's face turned a bright red as he smashed his cup of coffee into his face. Then his face turned even brighter. Tyrande looked confused.

"I was talking about playing in Poker tournaments."

Age 42

"Tyrande, think we should do that finally?" Tyrande's face lit up.

"Of course! I'll go get the materials!" Malfurion laid down on the bed expecting Tyrande to come in wearing a low-cut dress. A few minutes later she came in looking excited and carrying a few boxes.

"How are we going to have a kid if we use condoms?!" Malfurion asked. Tyrande looked confused.

"Kids?" She opened a box and showed the poker chips inside. Malfurion sighed.

Age 57

"So, Malfurion, wanna go try that?" Malfurion sighed and went to grab the poker chips.

"The bedroom's the other way, dipshit!!!" Tyrande screeched.

Age 70

"Malfurion, how can you NOT have a few children with her by this time?" Illidan asked. His little brother shrugged.

"We did try a few times." Illidan stormed off.

Age 89

"Tyrande, you're going out with Illidan as well, aren't you?" Malfurion asked. Tyrande broke into sobs and admitted her folly. Malfurion just nodded and went back to practicing his hurricane spell.

Age 102

"Kalimdor is under attack!" Illidan charged into the apartment screaming. Malfurion and Tyrande nodded their heads.

"We know, Azshara can take on the attack herself."

"She CAUSED the attack with magic! The legion came in BECAUSE of us!" Two seconds later, the three people were hauling ass out of the apartment wielding their best weapons. Fire was falling from the sky and shrieks were heard throughout the city. The three ran towards the temple, where they saw Azshara and her lieutenants casting a massive summoning spell.

"Stop it, Azshara!" Tyrande screamed. "You'll send hell onto Kalimdor!"

"We get immense power if we do so." Azshara cackled. The other ones laughed as well.

"I'll leave it to you, Tyrande." Malfurion murmured. The priestess didn't have to be asked twice. She threw a massive starfire arrow assault at the summoners, which scattered. The spell was about to be dispelled when Azshara threw a spell-keeping charm on the well and attacked Malfurion and Tyrande wildly. While they were fighting, Illidan crept up to the well and scooped up some of the well water. He immediately took flight from the city.

"Well, if you insist on having it that way, then take this!" Tyrande shouted and aimed her bow at the well.

"Tyrande, don't!" Malfurion and Azshara screamed in unison. But the arrow has already been fired. It hit the center of the well, and a crackling was heard. Azshara went to try to repair the well as the roommates took flight. But the damage has been done, and the well imploded, sending Kaldorei flying everywhere as the oceans dove into the crevice the well made. Most of the magic-hungry Kaldorei took to the depths, searching for the well that may be in the churning whirlpool. Thus they shifted into the vile serpentine creatures known as Naga.

Age 108

Malfurion, after 6 years of searching, found Illidan contently sitting by the pool of water atop Mount Hyjal.

"Why is this water glowing?" Malfurion asked.

"Oh, because I put some of the waters from the well in there. I figured since all the magic-hungry people have taken to the depths, we're able to have magic without much restraint now." Illidan contently said. Malfurion screamed.

"You idiot! There is bound to be some people who will crave magic some time or another!" Tyrande sighed when she looked at Malfurion's face turning a rabid blood-red.

"Maeiv! We need you!" Tyrande called. The warden popped up immediately grinning maniacally.

"I gets put Illidan in cell?" She asked.

"Better, you get to guard him as well." Malfurion murmured. Maeiv instantly started foaming at the mouth. She snagged Illidan by the arm and dragged him to the barrows, where he sat for ten thousand years.

Age 209

"We finally have a child, Malfurion!" Tyrande said, waving her pregnancy papers around like she was going to die at any second.

"What should we call the son?" Malfurion said, instantly knowing that the child will be a man.

"I say Cthulhu!" Tyrande chirped.

"No, that's for Azshara's second-in-command. I hear he's not a Naga, but some tentacle thing." Malfurion shuddered at the thought of his son being called Cthulhu. Tyrande cringed.

"Eww, how about Ry'leh?"

"That's the city Cthulhu lives in."

"Waga'nagl Ftaghn?"

"That just sounds creepy."

"Agreed, that was a joke. How about Jesus?"

"That's Biblical!"

"Okay, to God with that name. You pick it."

"Fred?" Malfurion suggested.

"Fred sounds nice." Tyrande agreed.

Age 214

"Daddy, can I have some cheesecake?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeease??"

"Fred, you just ate breakfast!"

"So?"

"That will send you flying across the room in a ball of flame!" The toddler's eyes lit up and he scarfs down the cheesecake in two seconds. And as predicted, the house burned down and Malfurion, Tyrande, and Fred moved across town, away from the bakery.

Age 225

"Dad! Stop following me to parties! It's getting creepy and it's already annoying!" Fred whined. His girlfriend laughed. Malfurion sighed.

"Fred, I'm the one hosting the poker tournaments, and the food, and keeping the crazy old lady from coming here. Can't you let me come to these parties? I get free booze!" Fred gave his father the 'And-you-call-yourself-a-druid' look. Malfurion laughed.

"I'm not the Arch-Druid! I can care less!" Malfurion chuckled. Almost on demand, Tyrande ran up excited.

"Guess what, Malfurion! You're the Arch-Druid now!!!" She grinned. Malfurion's face went from happy-go-lucky to 'there-goes-the-beer'.

"GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!"

TBC

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Author's Notes: Busy scouring for more ideas for this. This will be strange, you just know it. 


End file.
